Wednesday, June 24, 2015

The Shepherd

     I want to share something that I haven't really talked much about. I haven't talked about it because it is personal, it hurt, it is out of my control. To open up and lay my heart before the world feels too vulnerable.

     But here we go. Heart out.

     We just passed the year mark. We just passed the one year anniversary to heartbreak and crying out to God in a way I'm not sure I had before. May, a year ago, we were matched with a little four year old boy. We received the call we had longed to hear. Those words were so sweet to our ear. A grandmother had custody of the little boy and had a reached a point she felt she could no longer care for him. She had seen our profile, loved it and wanted to meet not only us but our other children as well. The understanding was that we would meet on Sunday and then start the paperwork the following Monday. The grandmother felt it was a done deal. She didn't want to meet us to make a decision. She wanted to meet us because she had made her decision and she wanted to begin getting to know the family with which her grandson would be joining. A couple of days before the meeting we received the call we dreaded and prayed to never hear.
Due to different and hard circumstances, circumstances that seemed unfair to the boy and harsh, the grandmother had changed her mind.

     I was heartbroken. I was confused. I was hurt. I couldn't understand why God would bring us to this point, call us to this journey and leave us. That night I cried a deep, hard cry from the gut. I couldn't sleep, so I decided to get up and read my bible. I turned to Psalm 23 and began to read and journal. The words poured from my heart onto the paper as I cried out to God for understanding and comfort. What came out was a poem that my husband later put to music. What came out was a culmination of all the heartache and uncertainty and trust and growth and joy and longing and love that had been our adoption process. It is my heart in words and chords and melodies.

     You are my shepherd
     But can I go where you lead
     What if all that I want 
     Is more than all that I need
     What if peaceful streams
     Become oceans too deep
     And the rest that You give
Turns to nightmares in sleep

Renew my strength
I keep falling weak
Guide me along 
For it's You that I seek
Reach down and hold me
I'm too broken to stand
Your grace sustains me
I am moved by your hand

In the darkest valleys
I long to see your face
To have no fear and
Rest in your embrace

Your rod and staff
Can seem harsh and unkind
Protection and comfort
Can seem so hard to find

I long for the feast that
You have prepared
Honor and anointing 
To be shared

Your goodness and love 
Surround me I know
     But the places you lead me
Make it so hard to know

You are my shepherd
But can I go where you lead
What if all that I want
Is more than all that I need

     So there it is. My aching. My questioning. My heart. Adoption is a journey that requires total reliance on the shepherd. It is hard, and most days it seems you are never given vision very far in front of where you already are standing. God's calling, for us, was to trust Him today. The same calling came the next day and the next and the day after that. In the end, He is sovereign. He reigns and He knows what He is calling us to, even when we don't. He knows the desires of our heart and the longing of our souls. He is the one that puts them there and he will be the one that satisfies. 


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