Dear Husband

Dear Husband

So much time has passed since that cookout where you first caught my eye,since the moments of first dates and first kisses. Things have changed. You have changed. I have changed. Time has a way of doing that. Life has a way of doing that. The years have had their wear and we have come out on the other side different, better.

When I met you, you were wide-eyed and silly. You were full of life and laughter and fun. When I first met you, I couldn't take my eyes off of you. Your smile was captivating and lit up and beamed out of your eyes. Those beginning years were filled with football games and cookouts, with date nights every night and romance and pursuit. Our days were filled with anticipation and longing for the future we wanted to share together. Our time was ours, alone, ours to choose and ours to spend. In those first years, we were all dreams and flutters.

It has been years since those first few moments It has been a lifetime of happy days and sad days, monumental moments and the regular day-to-day grind. A lot of life has been lived and a lot of memories shared. I have seen you grow, transform. I have seen that silly, full-of-life boy grow into a man, a man full of dreams and ambition. I have seen the boy with the smiling eyes continue to smile through the good times and the bad times, through the times where life has flowed as we planned and in the times when we were free falling not knowing which ways was up or down. I have seen the transformation take place as you have shifted from a college boy, on the heels of a new life and a new career and a new marriage, to the man living out each day as a faithful husband, hardworking provider, and fun-loving consistent father.

Our life, from the outside, looks nothing like those first few years of stolen moments and lingering kisses at the end of a date. To the outside world, I am a mom and you are a dad and we live in the middle of soccer games, homework, diaper changes, and middle of the night feedings. To the outside world, you are busy and working and running kids to practice. To the outside world, I am rocking babies, cooking dinners and helping kids with homework. The outside world doesn't see what we see, doesn't know what we know. In the middle of the chaos, in the middle of the working and running and rocking and living, I see something that others do not have the privilege to see.

I see you.

I see you trying in every moment to be the father that every child deserves to have. I see you consistently being the husband that I need, the husband that I want. I see the same smile in your eyes now that beamed from them all those years ago. I see you work and strive each and every day to provide well for those you love. I see you being a man that your daughter can trust and count on, a man that will set the standard for all other men in her life. I see you being a man that our sons look up to, a man that teaches our sons how to love and work and worship. I see you leading our family in faith and strength. I see you as the man that that dreamy-eyed college boy grew into. You are the same person I fell in love with as a kid, but you have grown and matured and added new and wonderful qualities as you have learned. All of the traits that made you the boy I wanted to date in college, have become the characteristics that make you the man I want to be sitting next to when I grow old.

I see all of these wonderful things about you that have changed and grown, but the deeper I look, I also see things that have remained the same.

I see you.

I see the way you look at me. I see the way you reach for my hand. I see the lingering glances between dinners and practices and homework. I see the way you faithfully provide for our family while consistently considering the needs of your wife. I see the way you light up when I come in the room. I see the way you lean in closer every chance you get. I see you continuing to date me even after ten years fo marriage. I see that you see me, still, even in the craziness that is this dream we call our life. I see the same look in your eyes that I saw in the beginning, the look of love and longing and excitement.

I see you. As life goes on, I see you.

I see you on one knee, ring in hand as you dream of our future together. I see with a silly grin and beaming eyes, as you stand at the end of the aisle waiting for my hand. I see you sigh with hesitation and anticipation as we sign the papers opening the doors to our very first home. I see you standing strong and holding my hand as we grieve the loss of our first baby. I see you comforting and reassuring me as I wade through another pregnancy, clinging to the hope that all will go well. I see you overjoyed and spilling over with excitement at the birth of our first son. I see you step into fatherhood with strength and grace. I see you fall head over heels as we welcome our little girl into the world a couple of years later. I see you step out in faith as you move our family to Memphis to help plant a church. I see you lead with confidence as you walk me into the world of adoption. I see you remain steady and faithful as we navigate the adoption world and as I struggle in the wait. I see you melt as our new little one is placed in our arms for the very first time. I see you serving as you love our city, our community and our church. I see you loving us and fighting for us each and every day.

Through it all, I see you.

I know that the heart of who you are, who we are, will remain the same. I have seen you grow from a boy into a man over the years, and in the middle of all the changes spinning around you, your heart has remained steady and true. You are a man of faith, a man consistency, and strength. You are a man that is responsible and reasonable. You are a man that loves big and plays hard. You put others first and are always quick to serve. These characteristics have taken different forms over the years, but they have remained.

So yes, you have changed and transformed. Yes, time has changed and life has changed and we are different than when we first began. In the midst of all that is different, there is still so much the same. The details and moving parts have changed, but the core remains true. It is important to remember who we were and where we come from, but it is more important to realize who we have become and where we are going. We are going places and you have become the man that is leading us to these wonderfully amazing, full of adventure places.

I love the boy I met in college, the one I eagerly said yes to spending the rest of my life with. But the man you have become is the one that I can lean into, that can hold me up when I am ready to bend, the one that, through prayer and Christ, can be the rock for his family. The man that walks alongside me now is the one that can lead and love in a way that is bigger than words, bigger than he even realizes. That boy, from all those years ago had great potential, but the man before me now is strong and steady in a way that only a life lived faithfully can develop.

I see you. I see who you were, who you are, and who you will be.

So yes, life will change and you will change, but from what I can see, change is good.

Mission

 (Audrey's daughter's birthday party. Just celebrating life together.)

There is a darkness that hides in the beautiful corners of our world. This is a darkness that well-meaning people pretend is not there in the name of moral innocence. It is easier to turn the other way and focus on what we can understand.

We live in a fallen world. We live in a world where women and children are sold as a commodity and traded like livestock. We live in a world where the dark underbelly has risen to become the driving force of our nation. It walks among us disguised in suits and ties and rests in our very own pews. We live in a world that attends church on Sunday morning while consuming women and children, in the evening, through their very own computer screens. We live in a world where the innocence of the marriage bed is corrupted by the insatiable desires of men and women who are drowning in the darkness as it threatens to take over.  Our world is lost and searching and reaching out for anything and everything to fill the emptiness.

Until recent years, I was one of those people that buried my head and ignored the evidence around me that the darkness is lurking, waiting to devour. I would have said that people are inherently good and that the horror stories you hear of human trafficking only happen in other places, more "pagan" places.  Until recent years, I would have said that these tragedies could never happen here, where I live. But I have learned that where people are, wickedness lives and thrives regardless of race, socio-economic status, education or appearance. I have learned that, as much as I'd like to think/hope that we live in a good and decent world, that is just not true. We live in a world that needs rescuing, that needs a hero. And as I have come to this realization, I have started to examine the church's place in all of this darkness. I have started to contemplate, as a Jesus follower, what is my place. Do I hide to protect myself from the darkness? Do I send money so I can help, but not get my hands dirty? Do I step in and have relationships with people sitting right in the very middle of the darkness? What does mission look like?

Mission is a word that, I feel, is commonly misunderstood and over-complicated. Mission is more than a trip once a year to a far off country or the Christmas project of gathering and collecting for those in need. While these things are good and serve a purpose, to live on mission has to be the sum of more than these acts. I firmly believe that as Jesus followers, we are called to love others. I also believe, that most of the time, the church does a poor job of this in an effort to protect her own. Throughout my life, I have seen a lot of mission trips and mission projects and mission drives. At the end of the day, these efforts were more for the benefit of the church goers than the people in need. There seems to be this desire to check the mission box off of the list of things to do without ever really getting your hands dirty.

The more I know Jesus, the more I learn about Him, the more I believe his hands stayed dirty. I believe Jesus didn't have a checklist. I believe He just lived and as a part of His life, He loved people, all people. This has laid conviction on my heart that mission is more than a trip or a project. It is in the day-to-day decisions. Mission is letting people in your lives and around your dinner table. Mission is being willing to step into their lives even when it makes us uncomfortable. Mission is seeing people as more than the sum of their circumstances and decisions they've made. Living on mission means being willing to leave your comfort zone behind. It means relying on the Holy Spirit to guide you through the darkness. It means being willing to get dirty sometimes in and effort to show the love of Jesus to people.

 Where do the gifts and talents that God has given you intersect with the need that is all around you? That is where you dive in, bringing your family right along with you. Be a family on mission. Understand that mission is just inviting people in your life. You don't have to start a non-profit or spend weeks at a time away from your family. You just have to love people. You just have to be willing to get your hands dirty.

The Day God Brought Us You

 

“I think she prayed like crazy that you would be safe, Little Fox.

I think she prayed for me as much as I prayed for her.” Mama’s voice got all whispery. “And God answered both our prayers.”

“I came home then? To you?”

Mama nodded, happy tears in her eyes. “You came then.

When God found us you, you made me the happiest mama in the world.”

- God Found us You by Lisa Tawn Bergren

  

   There are a lot of things I have reflected on, this week, as we have been approaching the one year anniversary to bringing Aiden home. There are so many memories from that week, and it seems that every day has been a “a year ago at this time” kind of day.

   I remember getting the call on Monday the twenty-eighth. We were having dinner with friends. We were out on the deck when my phone rang. I saw the social worker’s number on the screen and thought she must need more information for our paperwork. I had just met with her that morning to give her our profile. When I answered, she said, “So, remember how we joked about you bringing a baby home tonight? Well, how’s tomorrow work for you?” I about died! We sat around the table that night, in shock, as our friends prayed over us, prayed for our family, for Aiden and his birthmom.

 The next day, we met with Aiden’s birthmom at a restaurant. Talk about a surreal moment, walking into a restaurant and looking into the eyes of the woman that would be bringing new life into our family, the woman that would be becoming a part of our family. We were told Aiden would be coming home that night, but there were complications and circumstances beyond our control. He didn’t come home that night or the next. I was at the end of my rope and had gone to my parents' house for help with the kids (I was so nervous that my patience was running low), a shoulder to cry on and overall support. As a matter of fact, by the thirty-first, we were told, “Instead of looking at this as 'when will he come home?', look at it as 'how much information did we find out.?' He will come home; we just don’t know when.” We decided to stay at my parents' for the night because I was barely holding it together. Adam and I were praying like crazy, and my parents were offering prayer and support that we absolutely needed at that time. My mom and I went to the grocery store to get things for supper. I just needed to be doing something, anything, to keep my mind busy. We were walking through the store, getting bacon, when my phone rang. Our social worker was calling. I thought she was just calling to check in or to update us on the continued plan. When I answered she said she was sorry she had taken so long to call me that night, but she had a little boy with her that was ready to come home. I was crying and laughing and telling my mom what she said. Then my mom started crying and laughing and jumping up and down. She grabbed me, and we hugged and jumped and cried in the middle of the store, bacon flying. I immediately called Adam, and we cried together on the phone and praised God for the miracle He had just worked.

We went to get Aiden as soon as we were told we could come that night. It didn’t seem real. We walked into the house, and Aiden’s birthmom stood there, along with our social worker and the birthmom counselor. She was holding him. We were told she wanted to be the one to hand him to me, and that she wanted to spend those first few moments with us. As we walked up, she reached out her arms, with love in her eyes, and handed Aiden to me. She leaned in, and we hugged each other, with this precious baby boy between us. My heart connected with her heart, and we both knew this was the beginning of the next chapter of his life, of our lives. Both of us, both of his moms, stood there, holding each other, holding him and wanting the very same thing for him: that he would be loved and taken care of, that he would love and know love, that he would grow up knowing he was and is wanted and loved and part of the Creator’s master plan. Aiden’s birthmom and I bonded that day over our shared love for him.  I sit here a year later, praising God that I get to be one of the moms Aiden has had in his life. I am so thankful that on July 31, 2014, I got to hold and snuggle and bring him home forever. I still remember sleeping the whole night with my arm in the bassinet so he would know I was there and that I loved him.

   As I reflect on that time a year ago, and I am overcome with joy that he is my son, I can’t help but also be overcome with thankfulness for Aiden’s birthmom. I am thankful for the decision she made a year ago. I am thankful to know that she loves Aiden and during her whole pregnancy she prayed for him to have a family. She said it was the most she had ever prayed in her life. She said she knew God had a plan for Aiden’s life and she knew God had a family for Aiden. I am so thankful that she prayed those prayers and that she loves Aiden so much, a sacrificial love. I feel honored that she would choose us. What a high calling to be the ones that someone chooses to be the family for the child she has carried, loved and prayed for. I have a love for Aiden’s first mom that I can’t explain.

 This is a day that we celebrate. We celebrate Aiden and all the joy he has brought to our family. We celebrate his birthmom for all the love and care she gave Aiden, for her decision to place him with us and for her courage to follow through with what she felt was best for him.

   

 July 31, 2014, Gotcha Day, Family Day, Homecoming - whatever you want to call it. It was the day we held our son in our arms for the very first time. It was the day Carter and Norah Lynn stayed up until midnight to meet their new brother. It was a day of many answered prayers...the day we got the son we had prayed for...the day Carter and Norah Lynn got the brother they had prayed for...to God be the glory for July 31, 2014.

The Shepherd

     I want to share something that I haven't really talked much about. I haven't talked about it because it is personal, it hurt, it is out of my control. To open up and lay my heart before the world feels too vulnerable.

     But here we go. Heart out.

     We just passed the year mark. We just passed the one year anniversary to heartbreak and crying out to God in a way I'm not sure I had before. May, a year ago, we were matched with a little four year old boy. We received the call we had longed to hear. Those words were so sweet to our ear. A grandmother had custody of the little boy and had a reached a point she felt she could no longer care for him. She had seen our profile, loved it and wanted to meet not only us but our other children as well. The understanding was that we would meet on Sunday and then start the paperwork the following Monday. The grandmother felt it was a done deal. She didn't want to meet us to make a decision. She wanted to meet us because she had made her decision and she wanted to begin getting to know the family with which her grandson would be joining. A couple of days before the meeting we received the call we dreaded and prayed to never hear.
Due to different and hard circumstances, circumstances that seemed unfair to the boy and harsh, the grandmother had changed her mind.

     I was heartbroken. I was confused. I was hurt. I couldn't understand why God would bring us to this point, call us to this journey and leave us. That night I cried a deep, hard cry from the gut. I couldn't sleep, so I decided to get up and read my bible. I turned to Psalm 23 and began to read and journal. The words poured from my heart onto the paper as I cried out to God for understanding and comfort. What came out was a poem that my husband later put to music. What came out was a culmination of all the heartache and uncertainty and trust and growth and joy and longing and love that had been our adoption process. It is my heart in words and chords and melodies.

     You are my shepherd

     But can I go where you lead

     What if all that I want 

     Is more than all that I need

     What if peaceful streams

     Become oceans too deep

     And the rest that You give

Turns to nightmares in sleep

Renew my strength

I keep falling weak

Guide me along 

For it's You that I seek

Reach down and hold me

I'm too broken to stand

Your grace sustains me

I am moved by your hand

In the darkest valleys

I long to see your face

To have no fear and

Rest in your embrace

Your rod and staff

Can seem harsh and unkind

Protection and comfort

Can seem so hard to find

I long for the feast that

You have prepared

Honor and anointing 

To be shared

Your goodness and love 

Surround me I know

     But the places you lead me

Make it so hard to know

You are my shepherd

But can I go where you lead

What if all that I want

Is more than all that I need

     So there it is. My aching. My questioning. My heart. Adoption is a journey that requires total reliance on the shepherd. It is hard, and most days it seems you are never given vision very far in front of where you already are standing. God's calling, for us, was to trust Him today. The same calling came the next day and the next and the day after that. In the end, He is sovereign. He reigns and He knows what He is calling us to, even when we don't. He knows the desires of our heart and the longing of our souls. He is the one that puts them there and he will be the one that satisfies. 

   

The Path So Far

 

(This is before we were even dating)

  I heard the song "If You Want Me To" by Ginny Owens this week and was reminded about God's faithfulness.  Reminded is not a strong enough word.  The immensity of God's love and faithfulness washed over me in a way that took my breath. 

The pathway is broken and the signs are unclear

And I don't know the reason why you brought me here

But just because you love me the way that you do 

I'm gonna walk through the valley if you want me to

      Scenes from the last ten years began to flash through my mind, and I was overwhelmed at all of my highs and lows and how God has been there every minute of every day.  Sometimes I didn't understand He was there, but in the end I could always look back and see His hand.  I have realized that God has shown Himself so faithful that I don't doubt that characteristic in Him at all.  I may have questions about what He says or why, but I know to trust first and understand later.  

'Cause I'm not who I was when I took my first step

And I'm clinging to the promise You're not through with me yet

So if all of these trials bring me closer to You

I'm gonna walk through the fire if You want me to

If you had told me ten years ago that I would marry my best friend, meet a group of people in Huntsville that would rock the way I view Jesus and following Him, grieve the loss of one baby, bring two more into the world, move to Memphis to help plant a church, endure a terrible year of marriage and come out the other side stronger and more in love, fall in love with Memphis, be a stay-at-home mom and realize it is harder and better than I ever imagined, find my identity in Christ alone,  endure the emotional roller coaster that is the adoption process, become the mom of another beautiful baby boy, and mentor women coming out of prostitution, I would have laughed in your face.  I would have laughed and then cried because the prospect of all of these things is overwhelming and not all things I would have chosen, but God is faithful and He is good and He loves me.  He knows what is best for me, and this is the path He chose for me to take.  So, understand it or not, I have learned, with plenty of fighting and kicking and screaming, to follow Him.  I am thankful that I am not who I was ten years ago.

It may not be the way I would have chosen

When You lead me through a world that's not my home

But you never said it would be easy 

You only said I'd never go alone

So much of my life is not what I planned or imagined.  It has been harder sometimes.  Mostly, it has been richer and fuller and better than I could have planned.  I am not saying that I have always followed God or always been obedient.  I haven't always willingly listened to God, but He has always kindly and firmly pushed me along.  He has offered me riches.  While, a lot of times, I have chosen rags of my own making, I am beginning to see through the rags and recognize the sparkling of God's riches.  I have seen enough of who God is to know that I can trust Him.  He is good, and He is faithful.

So when the whole world turns against me and 

I'm all by myself

And I can't hear you answer my cries for help

I'll remember the suffering Your love put you through

And I will go through the darkness if You want me to

Now, I hope there are not dark times to come, but in this life so far we have had a few.  There have been times that felt like the whole world was against me and God wasn't listening.  He was and is listening.  He was and is always there for me.  

When I cross over Jordan, I'm gonna sing I'm gonna shout

I'm gonna look into Your eyes and see, You never let me down

So take me on the pathway that will lead me home to You

And I will walk through the valley if You want me to

This last part of the song is my prayer. I am so thankful for the path so far, and I want to follow God all the way home.  It is hard at times to remember God's faithfulness when in the middle of the struggle.  So, my prayer is that not only now while things are good but also when things are hard I will remember how good and faithful God has been this far in my life. He is trustworthy and good. 

The Secret About Women

Looking around at the world, my little world, where I live, I find that it is hard to know what a woman should be.  There is a pull to be so many things, and expectations can be daunting.  There is a demand to be married while simultaneously not losing yourself or compromising any goals you have set. The expectation to be a mom rings loud and clear, but the expectation to be a career woman and make your mark in society rings just as loudly.  The pull to serve others and be a part of community tugs at a woman’s heart, while trying to balance serving her family.  There is a call to be fit and healthy while managing a budget and time schedule that serves everyone best. The list goes on.  Just as women are known for being multi-taskers, the expectations on women are multi-faceted. 

There is a secret about women, something I’m not sure many people realize.  They are strong.  Women are strong.  They have that daily, in the little things, get the job done kind of strength. Theirs is a strength that can go unnoticed or unseen, but is a force that shakes the world all around them.  Two of my friends are starting a business while raising kids and loving their husbands and seeking to honor God.  Another friend is working full time, from home, while her baby is there with her.  She is balancing full time work and full time stay at home mom so she can support her husband while he is in school.  Another friend is a teacher that is rocking the lives of the students God places in her class.  Another  friend is a single mom, fighting to turn from a life that has been tragic and hard and full of unhealthy habits.  She is fighting to give her daughter a better life, a life that honors the Father who pulled her from the pit.  One of the strongest people I know is my mom.  She began motherhood as an eighteen year old and has raised four children in a way that exudes strength and love.  She has supported my dad and helped run his business.  She has been a stay-at-home mom for as long as I can remember.  That job gets little respect most of the time, but she has shown such strength in being a steady foundation for her family.  She has four children who respect her and turn to her.  She has been our mom, our friend, our counselor, our doctor, our taxi driver, our fashion consultant and so much more.  The thing I see in common with all of these women is strength. 

Strength takes many forms.  I am always amazed at the physical strength women can have when they put their mind to it.  If you don’t believe me, think about all those times you came home or to a friend’s house and the furniture was all in a different place.  Yep, she did all of that, by herself.  Even more amazing is the strength I see inside the women I know.  Somewhere deep inside of women there is a well of strength that never seems to run out.  The hits keep coming, the voices keep calling out, the phone keeps ringing, and there she is standing or kneeling, in the middle of the storm, making her world a better place.  Her kids cling to her.  Her husband relies on her.  Her friends turn to her.   She kneels before her Heavenly Father asking to be filled, asking for strength and patience and wisdom and joy.  Then she immediately turns to the world around her and pours every bit of what the Father has given her back out.  She loves well and serves well and, at the end of the day, falls into bed asking God for the strength to do it all again tomorrow.

God created women in His image, and they are beautiful.    

Color Blind

http://www.theroot.com/articles/culture/2015/01/_3_black_adoptees_speak_about_growing_up_with_white_parents.2.html

A friend shared the link above with me, and it really struck a chord.  The wheels began to turn, and I realized something deep within me was moved.  I realized that there was something that has bothered me for a long time:  The phrase color blind.  We are not color blind.  We should not be color blind.

The article is about adult, transracial adoptees sharing their story of how hard it can be to grow up in a white family and not be white.  Well, as you can see in the picture above, we are now a transracial family.  I have a little one who will grow up in a white family and not be white. What does this mean for him?  What does this mean for us?

It means we have been given and unique gift and challenge by God.  I have zero doubt that Aiden was meant for our family, regardless of the color of his skin or the color of my skin.  I am not saying that I don't see the color of his skin.  I do!  I see it every time I look at him and every time I think about him.  He has this creamy chocolate skin.  I don't know how to explain it, but he is shaded perfectly with lights and darks.  It is warm and inviting and compliments his big, shining, brown eyes.  I see his brown skin, and I see beauty.  I love it.

Now, that is my mama's heart speaking up there.  All of those things are true.  When I see brown skin or white skin, I do not see one as better than the other or that skin color is even the most important defining thing about a person. It is just a brush stroke in the design of God.  Unfortunately, not all people have this view.  We live in a world where some people view skin color as THE defining thing about a person, and they view darker skin as less than.  This is the world where my kids will grow up.  This is the world that my children will enter when they leave my home.  This is the world that they will need to know how to survive in when I am not around.  So, no I will not be teaching my children to be color blind.

As a transracial family, it is our job to acknowledge and educate every person in our family.  That means a lot of different things, and we understand that we may not always be able to provide all our kids need in this journey.  We are committed to surrounding ourselves with people to help us along the way.  We are a family, and we love each other very much. But we understand that that love will not be all our kids need.  We will strive to instill in them a confidence that comes from knowing that their ultimate identity comes from God and God alone.  We will also try our best to prepare them for the world that is outside of our house and our embrace.

We are not a color blind family.  We embrace all the shades that God has and will use to make our family.  We love them.  We also understand the responsibility that comes with this beautiful color-filled life God has given us.  We understand it and we welcome it.

Racism is Dead?

We are in the midst of tragedy. In the very middle of a terrible situation where a young man has lost his life. A mother has lost her son. A father has lost his son. Teenagers have lost a friend. And somehow in the middle of all of this the church, those who call themselves Christians, have lost compassion. Regardless of the guilt or innocence of the man who did the shooting, a boy's life was lost. A person that God created, in His image, with all the love and care that He created every other life on this planet, is gone. Forever gone. His mom will never see his face again or hear the words, "I love you, mom" come from his mouth. Oh those precious words uttered in your little boy's voice.

Church, where are you? Where has your compassion gone? Please somebody enlighten me as to where in the bible it says it is okay to justify or gloss over the death of a boy all because of the color of his skin. Please tell me where you see Jesus hating people because they are different than Him. We are the body of Christ! We are to act like Him. We are to be His feet and His hands. The Jesus I know loves people. The Jesus I know has compassion. The Jesus I know would never let the death of a person be the end of a joke or the final jab at a community.

If you, even for a minute, have believed that racism is dead, take a look at social media right now. This very morning, in the year 2014, I have read comments like, "If blacks don't like it here then go back to Africa," or "Of course they're looting. What do you expect from those people. Always looking for a handout." Are you kidding me?!?!

Racism is alive and well, folks! It sits nicely in our pretty little houses with our nice clothes and the smile on our face as we enter our churches praising God for the privilege we so quickly forget we live in. Racism rests behind the words as we say we love Jesus but continue to hate an entire group of people solely based on the color of their skin. Racism is fully wrapped in every comment that begins with the words, "I'm not racist but..." or "There are stereotypes for a reason."

Genesis 1:27 says, "So God created man in His own image, in the image of God He created him; male and female He created them."

John 3:16-17says, "For God so loved the world, that He gave His only begotten Son, that whoever believes in Him shall not perish, but have eternal life. For God did not send the Son into the world to judge the world but that the world might be saved through Him..."

The bible clearly states that we are ALL created in God's image and He sent His Son to save us ALL. Heaven will not be a white only event. There will be people of all different colors and cultures bowing before the King, feasting at His table. It should be on earth as it is in heaven. We should come together as the body of Christ. There is beauty in diversity. Our lens for looking at life should not be a black or white lens but a gospel lens.

There is history and there is a hard past here in the South. There are effects from this past that linger today that a white culture may not see and won't understand. You don't have to see it to know that it is there. If the black community is rising up and reacting so strongly to the Ferguson trial, as believers we need to ask why. We need to look beyond the riots and the looting to the pain that has caused such a reaction. We need to be vessels of healing instead of vehicles of slander and anger. If we are to model our lives after Christ then we need to respond in a Christ like manner, with love and compassion.

Racism is alive and thriving in the south, in our city, in our homes and in our churches. If we are to ever see this change, then as the body of Christ we need to look more like Christ. Church, where is your compassion?

Adoption is a Trend

   

     I have heard a lot of talk recently about adoption being a trend.  I have heard comments about how churches should not encourage adoption because it makes people feel guilty.  I have heard people say that adoption is a trend that Christians are following just to be better Christians.

I cannot imagine a scenario where this could be the case.  Even if a family began the adoption journey on a whim to avoid guilt or fulfill the need to fit in, they wouldn't last.  A desire to follow a trend wouldn't hold out long enough and the guilt would fade.  A trend couldn't hold up to the test of the adoption journey.  Adoption is not for the trend seekers; it requires more strength and more endurance than a mere attempt to fit in could withstand.   

Adoption is happening more and more and Christians are rising up and bringing home children from all over the world.  You see, the bible tells us...

Isaiah 1:17 "learn to do good; seek justice, correct oppression: bring justice to the fatherless, plead the widow's cause.

I know it may seem like trend.  I know a lot of Christians are adopting.  I know a lot of churches are speaking out for adoption and calling people to consider how God would have them grow their family.  This is not promotion of a trend but a call to obey what God clearly says in the bible.  Now I am not saying everyone is called to adopt, but we are all called to "learn to do good; seek justice, correct oppression; bring justice to the fatherless, plead the widow's cause."  What that means for each person is between that person and God.  It does mean for a lot of us that we are called to grow our family through adoption.  

I feel like anyone who has ever gone or is currently going through the adoption process laughs or cringes at these comments about adoption being a trend.  The emotions that flood your life as you navigate through the adoption journey are enough to make even those called and fortified by the hand of God to waver and fall weak.  The journey is long and hard and filled with so many ups and downs that your head begins to spin.  Adoption is very much about growing your family, but it also changes your heart.  It opens your eyes to a world of need and brokenness and beauty and grace.  You end the process a different person that you began.

Trends don't change people. They make you look pretty and give a fleeting moment of significance and worth.  They don't fill you up and force your knees to bow and your eyes to turn to your Savior.  Adoption moves you and allows God to fill you where you once were empty.

Adoption is beautiful redemption for our broken world.  Adoption is the gospel lived out in a tangible way. Adoption is a miraculous picture of what God, through Jesus, has done for us.  Adoption is an amazing way to grow a family.

I don't say all of this to say that my family has this strength and this endurance so look at our awesomeness.  We don't.  We wavered, became weary and wanted to quit.  If this had been an attempt on our part to follow a trend or avoid guilt, we would have given some eloquently stated excuse and bowed out.  In the moments we doubted and were so tired we wanted to quit, what held us and kept us strong was the voice of God whispering to hold on, to fight because our child was waiting for us.  That is the difference in the call to adopt and a trend.  A trend is the pursuit of the latest purse or a home makeover.  Adoption is the fight that brings your child home.

 Adoption is a lot of things, but it is not a trend.

Time for Introductions

Meet Aiden Curtis West!

This little love joined our family July 31.  The ten day revocation period ended today.  So, now it is my privilege, as his mama, to introduce Aiden to the world.  He was born May 15.  He now weighs 11.2 lbs and is 22.5 in long.  He is in great health and is a sweet sweet little boy.

His birth mother is a wonderful, intelligent young woman who loves him very much. She has known from the beginning that God has big plans for Aiden and that those plans include adoption.  We feel honored and blessed that she has chosen our family for Aiden.  We will always and forever be thankful for the great sacrifice of love she has been willing to make for her son to now be our son.  There are no words that can fully express our respect for her or our gratitude to her.

We have prayed for this little boy for a year and a half now, since before he was even conceived.  Even before we knew him, God knew him and knew he would be a part of our family.  Just as God knit Aiden together in the womb, He is knitting and grafting him into our family.  What an amazing God we serve that writes stories we can hardly comprehend.  I am and always will be thankful for this call to adoption.  It has been a hard, long road, but I have seen my Father's hand and felt his embrace the entire journey.  Now that Aiden is here, all I know to do is praise Him because it is all because of Him that this is the path Adam and I took to grow our family.

Aiden is ours, we are his. And we are forever changed by this little blessing.

Created for Care - Part 2 - Names of God

There were two parts of the conference that I really was not looking forward to attending.  It wasn't that I thought they were going to be terrible, they just didn't seem as appealing as the rest of the options.  The first was this time called "Date with God," and the second was a breakout session called "Coffee Talk."  I'll give you two guesses which two sessions God used the most over the weekend.  God is funny like that!

So..."Date with God" ...even the name sounds hokey.  I just knew this was going to be one of those times that was cheesy and filled with things that try to stir women's emotions and draw out tears.  I went because my friend said we should at least attempt to experience everything the conference had to offer.  My attitude was bad.  But, my heart was already so raw from the chiseling God had been doing that it didn't take long for His sweet voice to enter in and replace hokey with divine.  During that time, I had picked two cards out of a bowl with names of God on them.  I thought, well, just to pass the time, I'll look at these names and all the scripture references that go along with them.

The first name I had randomly drawn was God's name, El Roi: the God who sees.  I heard God reminding me that He sees me.  He sees all.  Genesis 6:3 says, "Truly here I have seen Him who looks after me."  I am not forgotten, and God knows exactly what my heart desires.  He sees me, and He is looking out for me.  How precious it is to have a God, a father, that is looking after me.  I could see in my mind's eye the image of a father running after and protecting his little girl.  Sweet, sweet time.  In Psalm 139, it says, "Where shall I go that you are not there?"  God sees me and is always with me.  Knowing this, how can I be afraid or doubt that I am in the right place.  I have a God that is watching out for me and has far above and beyond what I can imagine in store for our family.  It is a blessing to be called to adoption and to know that, not only do I have a God who sees me, I have a God who sees my baby.  Such comfort!

    So, I have established that God is a God who sees me.  The next name I pulled out was Jehovah Jireh: You provide.  Well, there you have it.  God sees me, and He provides for me.  Matthew 6:8 says," [...] your Father knows what you need before you ask Him."  God whispered, "You are not forgotten."  He knows my need, my longing, to grow our family.  He is providing the peace, patience, and grace to stand the waiting and disappointments along the way.  He is not only providing a way to stand theses times; He is replacing the frustration with joy.  He provides, and He graciously reminded me that He, and only He, sustains.  I can rest in Him and allow Him to turn our waiting into joy.

Now for "Coffee Talk."  Again with the name! It sounds like surface level chitchat.  I guess I did not read the description very well.  Within the first few seconds, I realized that I might have been in over my head at this point.  God was chiseling away all weekend, and I was unsure that my heart could withstand the mighty surgeon's hand any longer.  God knows when to cut and when to soothe.  There was an adult adoptee and an adoptive mama speaking and answering questions for the rest of us.  As the adoptee spoke and shared her story, my heart melted for the future we will be blessed to have one day with our adoptive child, but it also broke for the questions and the struggles that this broken situation will bring.  She reminded me that our story is one of growing our family and not one of orphan care.  We are called to adoption but not to be rescuers, just to be a normal mama and daddy.  What a wonderful calling.  Here God replaced the frustration in the wait with joy for the calling.  Thank you, Lord, that You have a child for us.  What a treasured gift children are in the family!  She also reminded us that our story begins with a broken story first.  I need to remember that my child will experience a loss before being brought into our family.  I need to be willing to enter into this pain with him/her someday and realize that I can't fix it or take the pain away and that it is not my job to do so.  Finally, I was also reminded to have patience with others in our journey.  We were called to adopt.  That does not mean that everyone one of our friends or family members feels the same call or is ready to have an adoptive child in the family, especially if that means having a child of different ethnicity.  The speakers reminded me to have patience and respect our family and friends' journeys as they process and as God moves them in the direction they need to go.

In the last session, I was reminded that I serve a God that is always on time and that I should always be prepared to praise and worship Him.

Throughout the entire conference, the Great Healer gently and methodically cut away the parts, in my heart, that were cancerous and replaced them with whole, life-giving, overflowing-with-joy parts.  God, in His wisdom, changed things deep inside me that I was unaware needed changing.  He showed me that this is not about me.  God has a plan, and what a joy it is to be part of this plan.  What better way to serve God than to take care of His children!?  What an honor it is that God has already entrusted us with two little loves and is preparing our hearts for more.  This is only the beginning.  God has opened a door in my heart and my eyes to His work in the world of adoption and orphan care.  I don't know what all He has in store for us, but I am looking forward to the journey.

Created for Care Part 1 - Repentance and Reliance

    A few weeks ago, I had the privilege of going to an adoption conference called Created for Care.  I traveled and roomed with some friends from Huntsville, AL.  I couldn't decide what I was more excited about:  the trip with good friends or the conference.  I had no clue what all God had in store for me during the sweet weekend with a lodge full of adoptive mamas.

    You see, adoption is a journey, for our family, that I don't always understand.  As I have shared in other post, adoption is hard.  The wait is hard.  The longing is hard.  The not knowing is hard. Adoption is also amazing, and the ways in which God is showing Himself to me and my family are, well, hard to even describe.  The love I can have for a child I have yet to meet is amazing.  The way my heart has been changed and drawn to love a God, one that I have known for years, more and more is amazing.  The way my sweet little family of four gathers together to ask God to care for soon-to-be (hopefully) family members and to bring them home quickly is amazing.  The questions that adoption brings for my five and three year old to ask is amazing. The way the word adoption opens the door to share the gospel with people we barely know is amazing.

    God has moved and worked and moved and worked in my heart throughout our adoption story and I am sure there is moving and working yet to come.  God used this conference to gently, but undeniably, reveal sin in my heart and renew a reliance on Him.  I thought I would walk away with great knowledge nuggets about adoption and a feeling of encouragement.  While those two things are true, they take a back burner to the truth shown to me.

I could feel God working from the minute I entered the van with the three godly women with whom God orchestrated for me to travel.  I could feel His gentle, unmistakable chiseling.  One of my friends said, "When God calls you to do something, you don't make a pros and cons list.  That is just not how obedience works.  We are called to a obey."  Such wisdom.  Such truth.  I could feel the walls beginning to break.

Once we arrived, it seemed the theme of every session, no matter the actual topic, was drawing me to repent.  It started in the first breakout session, "Waiting", when a woman shared her story and then shared that she felt God asking her, "What if the things you view as failures are actually successes?  Will you still follow me?  Will you still follow when you don't understand?"  Wham! Like that, this question entered my heart with such force I couldn't breath.  Will I?  Am I?  While I wait, on the days I feel discouraged, am I trusting and following God?  There were now gaping holes in my walls.

Then, in our main session, the speaker spoke from Exodus about God using Moses to tell Pharaoh to let His people go. At one point, during the plague of frogs, Pharaoh agrees to let the people go because he wants the frogs gone.  Moses asks when he would like the frogs to go, and Pharaoh says tomorrow.  Tomorrow! Really, Pharaoh, tomorrow, not now this very minute?  The speaker points out that frogs are like our sin, and God is saying, "I have freedom for you; just let go of your frog." And we say, "Hold on. Tomorrow."  That got me thinking, "What is my frog? What am I holding on to?"  And down the walls came.

  The chisel had broken through and my heart was laying outside of me, raw and vulnerable.  I could see all the dark spots clearly now.  I could see the parts of my heart that were no longer fleshy and full but hardened and dark.  I could see a belief that had crept in and was shriveling my heart bit by bit.  If it continued, my heart would no longer beat and pump life into me, and those around but would turn completely hard and crumble, giving in to the lies that the enemy had placed there.

God began, in a way that only He can, to show me that I was not trusting in Him.  I had given in to the lie that God is not good and that He is not calling us to what is best for us.  I had been holding onto control.  I had become selfish in my desire to adopt, and I had made His calling about me.  Having children, whether biologically or through adoption, is not about me.  This life, my life, is about obedience to God.  He has called us to adopt just as he called us to biologically have children.  This is His plan for our life, and He is in control.

My job, my family's job, is to be obedient, say yes, and be in a position to be used.  In God's timing, He will call on us to be a family for a child. And, when that time comes, we will be overjoyed.  For now, we wait with expectancy, and we rest in the knowledge that we serve a mighty God and that this is His plan, His life.

God Knows

Here is a video that someone posted on facebook or twitter.  I saw it and it moved me.
http://www.faithit.com/couple-sees-son-first-time-reaction-is-beautiful/#.UqoiuBhOTnl.facebook

I just loved it and cried right along with them. My favorite line in the whole video is when the dad says, "All those years, all those prayers were for him.  Were for Jacob."

I loved this line so much because it reminded me that all our prayers and all the preparations we are doing now are for a specific child.  It reminded me that this is not in my control and there is nothing I can to do to make it happen sooner or to mess it up.  God knows!  God knows the very child that is our son or daughter.  Adoption is not a random happening that takes place when our number comes up.  Just as God knits children together in the womb, He has a plan for their life from the very beginning.  It does not surprise Him that they are in need of a family or the timing when they will make their entry into the world.  God knows exactly when our child will be born and He will make us ready.  God knows what we need and He provides!  All of that is encouraging, but the thing that gives me the most comfort is to know that God already, knows our baby, whether conceived or not!  He already loves our baby and He already has a plan for our baby.  God already has His hand in our baby's life.  He can see our baby's face.  God knows!  When we don't, God knows!

 How can I not be comforted knowing that God is holding our baby and when it is His perfect timing so will we!!

Adoption: The Raw Truth of Waiting

We are homestudy complete.  Yay...I guess!  What does that mean exactly.  Well, it means we have completed paperwork and waited and waited and now we are officially WAITING.

Here is the truth about adoption from my perspective.

Everyone has a different story to tell and the journey to adoption takes many different paths.  So, as you read this, keep in mind that this is our journey.  I am not telling you how everyone feels about waiting, just me.

We did not come to adoption through infertility, so I feel like our story is one that is not as common, or at least not as understood and as commonly shared.  We have two biological children and are ready to grow our family.  About a year ago we began to pray and talk about having another baby and God made it very clear to us that He had a plan to grow our family and that plan included adoption.  We couldn't be more thrilled.

So, here we are almost a year later and we are on what seems like a never ending waiting period.  It is hard!  I want nothing more than to have another little love in my home.  Adoption is hard!  It is not a calling for the weak and it can make you weary.  The difference in my experience is this:

Pregnancy went something like this for us...  We decided to have a baby.  We quit preventing pregnancy and began trying to conceive. In a couple of months we were pregnant.  I had great pregnancies; no complications.  I had beautiful births.  I did have to have two c-sections but that is how my little loves were brought into this world.  That is our story and I love it.  I wouldn't change it.  Because of modern medicine, my babies were born and are alive.  Thank you, Lord, for the c-section!  From the thought of wanting and child to the birth was less than a year for both of my children.

Adoption has been more like this...  We began praying about adoption about a year ago.  We went to our first informational meeting in January 2012.  We began the paperwork the very next day.  God poured a peace over us that this was His calling on our life and we ran with it.  We flew through paperwork and background checks.  We made our profile books and scheduled our interviews and our homestudy.  Anything and everything we could do, we have done.  And now, a few months shy of a year since we began  the adoption process, we are finally waiting to be chosen.  We don't have a child yet.  We have no timeline for when we will.  We are just waiting.

Along the way we have had to rely on a lot of other people to do their part for the process to move along.  Of this, I am not a fan!  You see, when we were trying to get pregnant, the only two people that were involved in the process were me and Adam.  Adam and I both felt equally excited about getting pregnant and we both felt very connected to the idea of growing our family, as we should.  Well, I have learned, that people are busy and my desire to have another child is not their desire to have another child.  Therefore, other people do not feel the urgency that I feel to move the process along.

Along the way, I have also learned that it is emotionally draining to know that God has a child, out there, for us, but not to know if that child is born yet, if that child is even conceived yet, if that child's mom is taking care of him or her like they should, will they be ok, is it a him or a her, what race will our child be.  It is almost unbearably hard to, in the deepest part of my heart long for another baby and to realize that I have absolutely no control over having one.  I have given control over to my Heavenly Father and while I know He loves me and I know He has a plan for our family, I do not know what His timeline is or that it will match what I want.  Knowing that He has a plan has not yet changed the aching in my heart hold my little baby, to know where in the world my baby is sleeping tonight or if my baby is even alive yet to be tucked in.

So, the hard part, for me, in adoption, is trusting God.  Trusting His will and His plan.  My uterus is screaming to have another baby and I have to quieten it at the prompting of my God.  It is hard to actively prevent pregnancy every month, when my strongest desire is to have another baby.  It makes no logical since to me.  Everything in my knows that God has called us to adoption. When I dream of our family growing, it is through adoption.  To be honest, I just don't want to wait.  I dream every night of the new little child or children that will run through our home.  I sit at the playground, watching kids, and wonder if my child will look like that or have hair that color or eyes that color.  I wonder when my child will be home and my family whole.

I know many adoptive parents who have had said to them, "Well, at least you got your kids the easy way."  I said it earlier and I will say it again...Adoption is not for the weak or the faint of heart.  This journey has been harder than the journey to having our first two children.  At least when I was pregnant, I knew where my child was and I knew when I was going to meet them.

It is the not knowing that haunts my dreams.

Audrey and Katherine

I had the privilege of photographing this sweet mom and her precious baby girl last week.

 I met Audrey through mentoring in the A Way Out organization here in Memphis.  Audrey came to AWO from jail.  She was pregnant and desperately looking for a way to change her life. She had tried to change before but always held on the the past and ended up back on the streets.

 Audrey's life on the street started early, being introduced to crack and prostitution, by a family member, as a young teenager.  As she would tell you, her time on the streets was not glamorous or fun; it was hard and empty.  She was beaten and raped and consumed by the drug that was destroying her life.  Audrey had spent almost 20 years on the street before coming to AWO.

God has used A Way Out to change Audrey's life.  It is amazing to see the ways Jesus is moving in Audrey.  She gave birth to a beautiful, healthy baby girl less than a month after she entered AWO.  She has been an amazing mother since day one and strives to learn more about raising Katherine in a way that honors God.  She shows that baby girl the love of Jesus every day.  Audrey would tell you that God has used Katherine to save her life, but what I hope Audrey sees is that God is using her to give an amazing example of His grace to Katherine.  Audrey has completed the intensive recovery program offered by AWO and is currently working on getting her GED.  She has been clean around 8 months and inspires the new girls, that come in, to stick with the program.  God is working miracles in Audrey and her story is a testimony to God's love, grace and faithfulness to finish what He has started.  I am so proud of Audrey and smitten by Katherine.  It is an honor to know her and to be a part of her life.

Thank you, Audrey and Katherine, for letting me capture a little piece of your life.  I love you guys!

God Provides

Here are a few pictures from my latest photo shoot.

God is providing throughout this adoption process in amazing ways.  He has provided families, like the Swetts (above), that allow me to capture moments of their family while providing money to grow mine.  God sold our truck in less than a week, which provides half the money for our adoption.

The finances are a huge part of all of this, but the most amazing way that I have seen God provide for our family has been in the peace He has given us as we walk through each step.  Adoption is a wonderful, but very hard process.  It is hard to have so many people taking part in such a personal part of your life.  It is hard waiting on reference letters, fingerprints to return, money to come in, home study being complete.  It is hard not to have any control over these things being done.  I have learned...God is teaching me that He is in control, not our case worker, not the people processing our background checks and not our friends who we have had to count on the provide references.
                                                              GOD IS IN CONTROL!
We will have a baby when the baby that God has for us, that God knows is our baby is ready.  Paperwork, timelines...all that mess doesn't matter!
                                                              GOD IS IN CONTROL!
All of this process is just the stuff that we humans do while God is really taking care of everything.  That is what lets me sleep at night.  That is what makes it ok that I don't know when my baby will be born or if he or she is already born.  That is what makes it ok that I don't know the sex, race or health of my baby.  God does and He is taking care of everything.

                                                              GOD IS IN CONTROL!

Thank you Doug and Holly for being a part of the process!

If you are interested in a session email me at janalynn82@gmail.com  Feel free to pass along the info!